#What is not fucked will be fucked in time.
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[[Begin|continue1]]
Copyright 2021 Marty ShamblesThey pull into the American Hamburger Friend parking lot on the outskirts of some dank town, where people are less prone to niceties, and nobody comments on the weather. They are three out-of-work astronauts, on the road, looking for work. They wear space suits all the time, just in case. Their names are Cindy, Logan, and Trip.
American Hamburger Friend is flanked on either side by Happy Taco and Chicken Sluts. Each of the three want to eat at a different establishment.
With whom do you want to proceed?
[[Cindy at Happy Taco|CindyTaco]]
[[Logan at American Hamburger Friend|LoganBurger]]
[[Trip at Chicken Sluts|TripChicken]]Cindy looks around at the ramshackle taco joint. It's a grizzly affair. There are downtrodden denizens slurping down taco slurry in the darker recesses of the dining area.
A big dry eraseboard sign reads "Carne of the day es paiaso" in rough scrawl. "Tripas, Lengua, Cabeza."
Cindy knows enough Spanish to work out that clown was on the menu. She wonders if it's real clown or some sort of clown substitute. She remembers stories of radioactive clown meat in small towns.
[[Clown Tripas]]
[[Clown Lengua]]
[[Clown Cabeza]]The clouds above the American Hamburger Friend threaten snow. Not a jubilant, school's out snow. More like a sad mud slushy that takes all the color out of the world.
Logan takes the last drags off his cigarette before he head in. A drifter sits on the sidewalk in front of American Hamburger Friend. He sees Logan smoking.
"Say friend, can you spare a smoke?"
Logan looks at his pack. He has only three left.
[[give him a smoke]]
[[Tell him to go fuck himself|don't give him a smoke]]Trip enters Chicken Sluts. There's mold in the ceiling tiles and the floor is sticky with old soda spills. There are several TVs throughout the restaurant showing naked women rubbing fried chicken on their very large breasts.
The restaurant workers are all completely naked women. They don't look like the women on the TV. These women look like they have several grandchildren. They are not rubbing chicken on their breasts. They're making chicken and hating their lives.
Trip approaches the counter and a surly nude grandmother says, "Welcome to Chicken Sluts. Would you like our breasts or or thighs in your mouth?"
[[Order]]
[[Walk out|continue2]]Logan says he's out of smokes.
"I just saw you check your smokes. You have three left."
"I need those."
"You're a prick," says the man.
"Fuck you dude."
Logan goes into the American Hamburger Friend.
[[American Hamburger Friend]]The drifter thanks Logan and says, "You are activated. Your next job is on Titan. Activate your compatriots and head to the town of Potempkin for further instructions. Here is your medicine for the journey." He hands Logan three syringes.
"What's this?" Logan is looking at the syringes.
"That's a special astronaut serum. It's experimental. It will help you see things for what they really are."
[[continue|continue2]]Cindy orders the tripas from the disaffected teenager behind the counter. The teenager slops some goopy intestines onto a tortilla and hands Cindy the resulting taco.
She chokes down this awful slop. The texture is disconcertingly chewy.
[[continue|sick]]Cindy orders the tripas from the disaffected teenager behind the counter. The teenager slops some tongue chunks onto a tortilla and hands Cindy the resulting taco.
She chokes down this awful slop. The texture is disconcertingly chewy.
[[continue|sick]]Cindy orders the tripas from the disaffected teenager behind the counter. The teenager slops some goopy meat from a hot water bucket, through a film of greas paint on the water, onto a tortilla and hands Cindy the resulting taco.
She chokes down this awful slop. The texture is disconcertingly furry.
[[continue|sick]]The sickness comes quickly after the meal. Cindy feels rotten and needs to puke.
She runs to the back of the restaurant, near the back exit, to where she assumed a bathroom would be. Instead she found a huge bucket filled with piss and shit and vomit.
The smell is wretched and she immediately vomits everything in her stomach into the bucket. There's splashback from the bucket that lands on her face and that makes her vomit more, which causes more splashback and more vomit.
She looks at the masticated clown taco floating in excrement and thinks about how this is not her best moment.
[[continue|listen]]Logan is looking at the syringes the man gave him, wondering if he can be trusted, when Cindy arrives at the car. He asks her, "How was Happy Taco?"
"I don't want to talk about it." She looks pale and sickly.
Trip arrives. Logan asks, "How was--"
"I don't want to talk about it." He's shoving fried chicken in his face.
Cindy looks impatient. "Can we just go?"
"Yeah." He puts the syringes in his space suit pocket. They get on the freeway and head South toward Potempkin.
END OF PART 1
For more stories and updates, go to <a href="https://martyshambles.gumroad.com">martyshambles.gumroad.com</a>Trip looks over the menu and gets the Chicken Titties Basket, which he presumes is a bad play on "chicken tendies" and it's not funny. It's three tenders, fries and Texas toast.
His order is ready almost immediately. As he grabs his meal, he sees a naked woman in the doorway of a back room. She's older, with grey hair and dangling breasts that almost touch her grey bush. She beckons to him with her finger. She wants him to follow.
[[follow her in|follow]]
[[take the food and leave|continue2]]American Hamburger Friend was established in 2035 by German immigrants who loved McDonald's, but found it to be too healthy. They buy Big Macs by the dozens, batter-dip them, and deep fry them. If you want a drink, you can get a McJaeger. That's a McFlurry with jaegermeister in it. These are the only things on the menu.
When Logan walks in there are nearly a dozen dead bodies on the floor. There's an onsite cardiologist to deal with all the people who die of heart attacks in the dining area, but he charges 500 bitcoin per minute, so he might as well not even be there.
[[Walk out and give the man at the door a smoke|give him a smoke]]
[[Order|Big Mac]]Cindy hears faint circus music playing in the distance. It sounds like it's coming through the back door, which is now ajar.
[[follow the circus music|circus1]]
[[rejoin the others at the car|continue2]]Behind the Happy Taco is a scrapyard. Thousands of rusting cars are stacked on top of each other, building a vast open-air cathedral to decay. Jutting tetanus spires aspire to the heavens as Cindy makes her way through the labyrinthine corridors of metal.
She walks with no sense of time, following the siren call of the circus. It's hot out. The sun is high. The desert sands grit in her eyes.
She walks through an industrial waste dumping ground. The radioactive waste changes her. Her feet grow three times their original size, to the point that they break through her space boots. Her nose grows into a big red ball. Her face becomes discolored to the effect that it looks like she has a painted-on smile. Her hair turns curly and green.
[[continue|circus2]]He walks into the back room where the woman was. The room is pitch dark. He wanders in. The door closes behind him. He tries to open it, but it's locked.
An overhanging dim bulb comes on. There are three naked, elderly ladies bearing huge butcher knives. One of them says, "Suck on my psychadelic titty milk or we'll have your balls."
Trip says, "I used to be a roadie for GG Allin Jr. I think I can take on three old hags."
Another woman says, "Fuck you space boy! We will fuck your shit up! Now drink."
Trip thinks about how if they cut even a knick in his space suit, he won't be able to go to space anymore.
[[put up a fight]]
[[drink the psychadelic titty juice]]Trip rushes the three old ladies, but they are supernaturally strong. They fling him across the room like a rag doll. He hits the wall and the floor. Three vertibrae are cracked. He tries to get up but there's too much pain.
Two of the old ladies hold him down as the third cuts open the space suit at the crotch.
Trip is screaming and flailing but he can't properly defend himself.
The old lady pulls out his cock and balls and slowly slices throught the meat.
He passes out from the pain and bleeds out while unconscious.
END."This is sick. You want me to drink your nasty titty juice? Why?" Trip inquires.
"Less talking, more sucking, bitch," says one of the ladies. Her breasts secrete a turquoise goo that reeks of parmesan cheese and fecal matter.
"If I suck on your disgusting titty, will you let me go?"
They all smile slyly, "Sure."
Trip steps forward and grabs one of the titties. He puts the goopy, leathery mipple to his mouth and suck in the putrid juice. It tastes awful, but he doesn't taste it for long. Soon he is sent to another world.
[[obligatory hallucination sequence]]She can finally see the circus. In actuality it's a slaughterhouse. But to her eyes it's a big top circus with lights and acrobats and peanuts and popcorn. The taco calls her forth.
She climbs several fences to join a herd of cattle to the slaughter. She thinks she's waiting in line for a ticket. She goes up to the ticket booth, which is really an automated bolt gun.
She says, "One ticket pl..." The smile painted on her face looks so serene.
She is rendered down and her meat is sent to Happy Taco.
END.Logan orders the only two things on the menu. It takes 15 minutes to come out. In that time he sees two people have fatal heart attacks. The cardiologist looks on with indifference.
Logan's food arrives and he digs in. The deep fried Big Mac is skewered through for easy handling. About 1/4 of the way through the burger he feels a tightness in his chest. He powers through.
1/2 way through the burger he has to take a break to drink the McJaeger. It tastes godawful. He powers through.
3/4 of the way through, his chest is sending shooting pains. His arms are numb. He's short of breath. He falls to the ground and dies.
The cardiologist smiles.
END.Trip finds himself floating in trippy tie-dyed color space while a sitar plays shitty Beatles covers. A lava lamp floats by. And a beanbag chair. And a blacklamp poster of Bob Marley. And an incense burner. And a bong.
Trip marvels at the sight. It's like he's 15 again, in his buddy's basement, tripping out to oldies.
And suddenly he's in a long corridor that seems to belong to some Gothic mansion. He walks for a long time and finally sees an end. As he nears the end he sees a bunch of people in rows on either side of the corridor. As he draws nearer still, he can hear them cheering.
When he can make out their faces, they are familiar. "Is that Jimi Hendrix?" He mutters to himself. It is Jimi Hendrix on one side, and Karl Marx on the other. As he approaches them, they hold out their hands for high fives. Trip gives them high fives. Then he high fives Forest Gump and Lou Reed and Diogenes of Sinope and the Trix rabbit and Louis XIV, the Sun King of France and Hunter S. Thompson and Johnny Appleseed and Jean Luc Godard and Tom Waits and Slavoj Zizek and so on and so on... They all cheer and high five and shout words of encouragement. Trip is having the time of his life.
At the end of this cheer session is a huge door, which opens with luminous radiance of unknown derivation beyond. Trip squints into the light and step through the door.
After his eyes adjust to the light, he sees all of the Dallas Cowboys cheeleaders naked in a pool of nacho cheese dip, and says, "Is this heaven?"
[[back at the Chicken Sluts back room]]The three old women have stripped Trip from his space suit and placed him in a large vat. The liquification process is coming along well. Soon he will be fit for consumption.
END